Mother, Mum, Mom, Mamma

Location:

Everywhere

Job Type:

24/7

Salary:

N/A

- Team players needed, for permanent work in an, often chaotic environment
- Will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call
- On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis

Bonuses may include a spare button from between the couch cushions or gifts made with glitter and macaroni

THE WHO THE WHAT AND THE WHERE

Children are seeking an adult to care for them at all hours of the day, every day of the week, with minimal breaks. You will be responsible for the upbringing of these children. You will be responsible for making sure that they have enough food to eat, that they are properly bathed and that no accidents fall upon them. This is all to be completed while they push against everything you say, at all times.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organisational skills and be willing to work varied hours, which will include evenings, weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel is required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.

WHAT'S INVOLVED?

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 100 km/h in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have the ability to plan and organise social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and an embarrassment the next. Must handle the assembly and product safety testing of half a million cheap, plastic toys, and battery-operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. Other responsibilities include:

- Cooking multiple meals at once, and it must be done efficiently and quickly
- Clean up multiple messes a day, and a lot of them will involve bodily fluids and dirt 
- Be a constant chauffeur and make sure that children get to school and appointments on time
- Complete personal assistant type duties, make phone calls and arrange playdates for those same children 
- Personal care of children is required, and this includes (but is not limited to) wiping butts, noses and catching vomit in your hand 
- Be on call 24/7 ... seriously, there are no breaks 
- Be a constant form of entertainment for the children. Make sure they are laughing and having as much fun as possible
- To be a motivational speaker at all times, even when your employer has not been very nice to you. 
- Personal shopper and be ready to run out and get all supplies needed at a moment's notice, but while you do that shopping, your employer will yell, scream, and cry for more 
- If you have more than one employer, you will be asked to mediate all arguments that break out, and this is likely to be multiple times a day
- Light medical/nurse type duties as needed, which will likely be a direct effect of your employers not listening to you when you told them to stop the first time 
- Any, and all, other duties that occur during the day (and there will be a lot)

DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES?

- Patience 
- A valid driver's license, or constant access to a mode of transportation 
- Skills in constant housekeeping 
- MUST be a multitasker 
- Have a love of food and coffee that are ice cold 
- Be able to handle constant criticism about what you are doing wrong, and there are no negotiations
- Great problem-solving skills and the ability to mediate with little to no warning
- Be able to read stories over and over again, sometimes making your own up as you go

 

Prior experience that would appear advantageous for this role but will not actually prepare you for the real thing include:
- Nanny
- Teacher
- Cook
- Shopper
- Cleaner
- Housemaid
- Nurse
- Counsellor
- Negotiator
- Referee
- Friend
- Taxi Driver
- Hairdresser
- Events Coordinator

Appreciate your mum this Mother’s Day